I Hate Christmas*

*Subject to change, I guess.

I made a really bad decision yesterday and decided to attend a party while I was in an abysmal mood.

My husband’s workplace hosts an annual Christmas party.  For some reason I can’t really fathom, we decided to go this year, too.  I’d spent a lot of time thinking about it, and eventually decided we should go because I thought it might be a good opportunity to unwind.  I wanted to feel normal for a bit, and just go out and have a good time.  Seems reasonable, right?

We made all the appropriate arrangements.  I woke up that day feeling okay, and spent a good deal of time getting ready.  By the time we were getting into the car to head to the hotel, I was not feeling quite so sunny.  By the time we had checked in and got dressed and ready to head downstairs to the party, I was on the verge of tears, but I forced it down and made myself go anyway.

I should have stayed in the room.  I was an absolute storm cloud for almost the whole thing.  The problem, you see, is that every single time I try to do something fun or find myself in a situation that I don’t feel like I should be in, I end up getting really upset.  This year, I had told myself that I wouldn’t be able to attend this party this year, because I would be at home with a screaming, cranky, poopy newborn.  I had resigned myself to that fate, and I was happy about it.

Every time I do something that I shouldn’t be able to do, it just brings me back to thinking about how wrong everything feels, and how I feel like I am in the completely wrong universe; I would give anything to be at home with a baby instead of attending concerts and getting drunk at Christmas parties.  It also brings me back to wondering what I could possibly have done to deserve such a horrible thing.


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