Struggling.

The holiday season is kicking my butt.

I still keep in touch with a lot of the mothers that I connected with throughout my pregnancy that were due at the same time as me, and every time I see a photo of one of their babies in a Santa hat, or an ornament that says ‘baby’s first Christmas’, I just want to jump out a window.

I haven’t even started Christmas shopping yet.  Every time I try, my brain shuts down.  This probably has something to do with the fact that I need to buy a gift for my nephew, who is 5 months old, and who happens to have the name that we were originally going to give our son.  He was originally due only 10 weeks before Brock.  I spent much of my pregnancy happy that they were going to be so close together, thinking that our boys would practically have a twin to grow up next to.

Of course, now that my son is missing from that picture, I can’t even look at photos of my nephew without having a meltdown.

I need this year to end so I can start to operate on the hope that 2015 will be nowhere near as shitty.

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