I am beyond words.
I purchased a big box of pregnancy tests back in January so I would be all set when the time came to start trying to conceive our rainbow. I typically test once a week, anyway, just to keep tabs on things and make sure there are no surprises.
I was supposed to test yesterday, but I didn’t. February 11th of 2014 was the day that I found out I was pregnant with Brock, and even though I was pretty sure I wasn’t pregnant (if you’d asked, I probably would have said I was dead sure), I was pretty sure that my brain would explode if it WAS positive, so I skipped it.
Today, though, I woke up and realized I should do it anyway. I was planning a drinking day with a friend on Friday, and I also realized I might have a drink or two at an event tonight. So, I peed on a stick, thinking nothing of it.
About a minute later, I froze. Did I see a line? REALLY? I thought I was being crazy and had ‘line eye’.
But the longer I stared, the more obvious it became. Nope, it was really there.
“Oh my God,” I said to nobody in particular.
That was it. I stared, and cursed a couple times – not out of distress or anger, simply out of genuine shock. I was completely blindsided.
I had frequently wondered about what would happen on this day. I had visions of me completely losing my mind and panicking, and feeling immense regret or guilt. I imagined the scrutiny of others, chastising me for ‘replacing’ Brock, and I thought I would feel like I was dishonouring him. But, at the same time, oh, how I want that baby in my arms! I pictured the ultimate internal struggle of fear and joy, guilt and doubt. I imagined I’d be cynical, worrying about a miscarriage or the same outcome all over again.
Not so, at all; none of that has happened (yet). My brain has completely shut up on me. Even now that I am trying to force myself to sit back and consider all the possible outcomes and be rational, I just keep thinking, “It is what it is. What happens, happens.” It doesn’t seem to know what to make of it, either. It’s been almost 2 hours and I still keep picking it up every couple of minutes, not totally believing what I’m seeing. No complete, systematic meltdown. No anger, or fear, just completely taken by surprise, and numb to the rest of it.
I still don’t believe it. I am not as far along as I was when I had Brock (the test is a lot fainter), but I still don’t know how to process that, if I had tested yesterday, I would have got a positive on the same day, one year apart. I’m also, somehow, not as mortified by the idea of another October baby as I thought I would be.
Life is funny sometimes. And by funny, I mean mind-blowing and confusing.