I keep finding myself at a loss for things to write… and while I definitely don’t condone just writing for the sake of it, I just wanted to chime in with another quick update. I apologize that I haven’t been terribly active lately, but between nausea, fatigue, and trying to wrap up schoolwork, I’m feeling pretty exhausted. My mind has been pretty quiet at a result, and I’m kind of just coasting through the days. I really can’t wait for my energy to pick back up, whenever that happens to be.
I’m now 13 weeks and 4 days into my pregnancy with our second baby. On Thursday, it will be 6 months since Brock’s birthday, and I will also be 14 weeks pregnant. It’s hard to handle because now that I’m not afraid to let my pregnancy be common knowledge, I keep getting sucked into the same awkward conversations with people.
Person, after finding out I’m pregnant: Oh, congratulations! How far along are you!
Me: about 13 weeks.
Them: Do you have any other kids?
Me: Yes – one.
Them: Boy or girl?
Here’s where things get tricky. Some people stop there. Others barrel on and say…
Them: How old is he?
Me: He would be six months.
Sometimes they get it – but most of the time, not so much. Some people give me this look of bewilderment and go, “Wow, you’re going to have a lot on your plate with two little ones at home!” and most of the time, in situations like that, I feel the need to correct them. I had this awkward moment at a volunteer event where I had to shake my head and say, “No, he would have been… but he passed away.” The girl asking questions felt so bad and I, in turn, felt bad for putting her in that situation, but after much soul searching, I have decided I can’t feel right about lying about my son.
So, regardless of who asks me, when they ask if I have any kids, I say yes. Because I have a son. He passed away, but he still existed, and he still deserves to be acknowledged. With more time, I might change how I handle these situations, but right now I just know I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t mention him.
With this said, I’m kind of living in active fear of Mother’s Day right now. I can foresee it bringing up a whole bushel of resentment and bad feelings because I know I should be celebrating it with my baby, but I won’t be. I have this odd feeling that most people I know probably don’t really consider me to be a mother, and I think that being overlooked on that day is just going to rub even more salt in the wound. Then again, I have another three weeks until we get there, so hopefully it won’t be as bad as I’m expecting.
Fingers crossed, anyway!