I truly, sincerely apologize for my absence lately. I guess I’ve been having a case of writer’s block, because I have tried to write several posts in the last few weeks and none of them seem to come out quite right so they never see the light of day. I’m having a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings to words lately… and that, I think, is because they change so often. One day I’ll be completely down in the dumps, the next I will be feeling much sunnier. Some days I lament being pregnant again at all, and on others I can’t wait to meet my new child. I am all over the place all of the time, and it’s exhausting to feel, let alone explain. I think I wanted to wait for some consistency and stability to start writing regularly again, but honestly, at this point, if I do that it seems like I might never post again.
Anyway, it’s Mother’s Day. I have dreaded this day for weeks, and now that it’s here, I’m surprisingly much more at ease than I expected. Lots of awesome things are already in the works for me, and it’s not even noon yet, so I’m feeling pretty good, all things considered. My husband works, but gave me a beautiful family ring and plans to make us a wonderful dinner tonight, and my brother is taking me out for lunch and a mani/pedi. I have had several other friends and family members wish me a happy mother’s day as well, which brings me peace if only because it reminds me that they haven’t forgotten Brock. Telling me that they know I am a mother is also acknowledgement that he was here, even if only briefly, and I love them for that. Thank you all; it means more to me than you know.
My beautiful family ring with our birthstones in it – me on the left (aquamarine), Brock in the middle (tourmaline), and my husband on the right (tanzanite). There’s two diamond placeholders on the sides for our future children. “What if we have more than two?” I asked. “Then you’ll have earned a new ring,” he replied. What a cutie.
Additionally, my day was made when I realized that Pregnancy After Loss Support featured my Courageous Mama story on their blog – on today, of all days! How marvelous. They run these story submission sections annually around Mother’s Day and I was honoured to find that they enjoyed mine enough to publish it. You can read my story about losing my son, the aftermath, and my philosophy with my rainbow pregnancy here. It’s hard to keep true to the principles I talk about in my article sometimes, but I do try very, very hard to stand by what I wrote. I want to be the best mother possible to my new baby, and even though I am sure that it won’t always be easy to do so, they deserve as much, don’t they?
Anyway, that’s all from me for now. I’ll be sure to post again a lot sooner this time – no more month long hiatuses from me, I promise! I leave you all with an all-too-true poster I ran into today. I wish all of you a wonderful Mother’s Day, even if you are struggling with infertility or loss like many of us have and will in years to come: you are all mothers in spirit, and just because some or all of your children can’t be seen doesn’t make you any less of a wonderful mother.